Keeping Christmas

Christmas has brought times I was ill, my children were ill, my husband was ill. One I remember so clearly when it was bitterly cold, the old wood stove in the ancient airy farm house had only green wood. Consequently we nearly froze! That year I was so thankful to go to church and get warm physically as well as spiritually! Looking back many have been laden with difficulty.

None compare to 2011! I can never recall a time in my life that I have felt so unable to literally breathe at times! A tidal wave of unknown answers to questions I was unwilling to let be verbalized. A deep sadness hard to reconcile. Total and complete dependance on the Lord. Yet a deep desire to normalize the holiday for the grandchildren.

Keeping Christmas became the operational mode of those now past days. We arrived at Nathan and Beth's house in the evening on Christmas Eve with Beth and baby in tow. All of us feeling weary from the stress of leaving Nathan in the hospital at his favorite time of the year! Comforted though that his brother was at his side.

Just last night as I was riding in the van seated behind Nathan, I was reflecting on the difficulty it was to eat on Christmas day. As we sat around his table visually things as classically normal minus his presence. The children were happy and enjoying every minute of Christmas. At the same time I recalled choking back a flood of tears and fighting to swallow each bite of food. Desperately fighting against the direction my mind fought to go---wondering if my son would survive to ever sit at his table again.

Today is that date on the calendar that regardless of where I was I would always remind him (and my other children) of just how many more months til Christmas. It is just NINE months from today, in case you were wondering :) 2011 we were keeping Christmas for the children. 2012 I am already anticipating Christmas to celebrate not only Christmas but the wonderful gift God gave us....Nathan's life!!

I began this post 3 months ago tomorrow--I simply could not finish it---too overwhelmed!!! Today I looked back at it and though the ill feelings lept back into my stomach it was such a moment of rejoicing to see where God has brought all of us and the healing He has caused in Nathan's body. We are truly blessed!!

I want to share some things I have come across in recent reading that have comforted and motivated me:

It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight, we will say, “All things [have] work[ed] together for good” (Rom. 8:28 KJV). Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late—learn to wait. selected He never shows up late; He knows just what is best; Fret not yourself in vain; until He comes just REST. Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord. Learn to await His timing—the second, minute, and hour hand must all point to the precise moment for action.

Reimann, Jim; Cowman, Mrs. Charles E. (2008-09-02). Streams in the Desert: 366 Daily Devotional Readings (p. 125). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

IDENTITY

I have been thinking a lot lately about my identity. Circumstances have obviously changed anything I had thought it to be previously. Granted I am a wife, mother, teacher, caregiver, missionary, pastor's wife, grandmother, Christian, etc. etc. But really, what is my identity???

The newest album released by Kutless called Believer has a song simply titled Identity. The album is one of my current favorites and has ministered to me in so wonderfully during the long hard hours of the past 3.5 months.

I may never know all of God's purpose in the path He has allowed us to travel and truly that isn't really even important. Rather, will I Praise Him, will I Glorify Him, will I trust Him will I wholly and truly allow HIM to be my identity. " I'm so tired of trying to prove it, I'm never gonna do it on my own. God I need You to be my identity." I don't want to be seen or know for what I do or what I am or what I am not. My heart's cry is that my identity will be truly in Christ!!

IDENTITY

I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

Oh I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You

Oh I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone

I want to see the world change, see the system cave in
You pull our hearts from the ashes
The cry of the captive is rising

Cause I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am, so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone

Oh Oh I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am I am So tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need you to be, I need you to be, yeah
God I need you to be, my identity,

My Identity.

Matthew 2:13 stay there until I tell you

The past week has been so nice and the past couple of days so very warm. The whole week is supposed to be like this! Beth has been working in the yard and the kids have loved being outside. I made a trip to the Dollar Store earlier today to grab some outside playthings for them. It has been a great day. Nathan even sat on the deck and soaked up some sun this afternoon.

Yet the past few days I have realized how long I have been here. I believe the need for the wool sweaters is past for now and a need for lighter clothes is evident.

I’ll stay where You’ve put me; I will, dear Lord,

Though I wanted so badly to go;

I was eager to march with the “rank and file,”

Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.

I planned to keep step to the music loud,

To cheer when the banner unfurled,

To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,

But I’ll stay where You’ve put me.

I’ll stay where You’ve put me; I’ll work, dear Lord,

Though the field be narrow and small,

And the ground be neglected, and stones lie thick,

And there seems to be no life at all.

The field is Your own, only give me the seed,

I’ll sow it with never a fear;

I’ll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,

And rejoice when the green blades appear;

I’ll work where You’ve put me.

I’ll stay where You’ve put me; I will, dear Lord;

I’ll bear the day’s burden and heat,

Always trusting You fully; when sunset has come

I’ll lay stalks of grain at Your feet.

And then, when my earth work is ended and done,

In the light of eternity’s glow,

Life’s record all closed,

I surely will find It was better to stay than to go;

I’ll stay where You’ve put me.

O restless heart—beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness—allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine, will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity, which God may someday send.

Reimann, Jim; Cowman, Mrs. Charles E. (2008-09-02). Streams in the Desert: 366 Daily Devotional Readings (pp. 118-119). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Reimann, Jim; Cowman, Mrs. Charles E. (2008-09-02). Streams in the Desert: 366 Daily Devotional Readings (p. 118). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.