Face In The Wind

Reflecting on days gone by lately.  Growing up in the sultry humid midwest in an era before air conditioning in cars and seatbelts were nonexistent, reflects a far different way of coping when the heat was consuming.  While in the car relief came in the form of rolling down the window (all the way down) and sticking your head out to gasp a breath of fresh air.  It forded a feeling of refreshment, strength to go on and a peaceful aloneness in the midst of the heat.

The past six weeks or so I've found myself feeling much like those stifling days of summer heat.  Consumed.  Sweltering.  Breathless.  The sudden diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, the surgery and plan  to confine the affects with chemo for six months???  Lets be honest here:  I'm no super spiritual super saint...it has thrown me for a loop!!  There are days I don't want to fight..I want to disappear into a silent abyss!  Don't misunderstand I am one of a few to have this found and taken care of at such an early stage and I am truly blessed and thankful. Though it doesn't alter the fact that my life has been greatly altered!  I go for appoints to the cancer care alliance and wonder why I'm there it all seems so surreal.  I look across the room at the wigs and head wraps they have supplied me with in preparation for the effects of chemo...can this truly be for me?  I suppose the best description of my feelings is found in my recent reflections of childhood.  Smothered in heat, sweating, wondering when relief and refreshment will come.  Then I remember...roll down the window and stick your face in the wind!

Truly it gives one the feeling ( or at least it did me as a kid) that I could fly and soar with eagles!  Today for me it is a feeling of a breath of  Heaven.  It's about choice and today I choose to roll down the window and stick my face in the wind.  Today I choose to soar and receive the Breath of Heaven to saturate my soul and diminish the sweltering heat of the present.  To enjoy a peaceful aloneness in the midst of the heat.  To soar with the eagles.  Isaiah 40:31. But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary they
will walk and not faint.

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven, Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

                                               ***AMY GRANT

Turning Pages

Reading to be refreshed of the day early this morning.  Came across this and what a huge 'refreshment'!

Then David said to Saul, "Let no man's heart fail because of [Goliath]; our servant will go and fight with this Philistine."  1 Samuel 17:32

"Keep turning the pages by faith and let the sort play out to the end." (*Dr. David Jeremiah)

I love to read but to get to the end of a book/story you have to keep turning pages.  So it is for me in my life…I want to 'keep turning the pages' of life!  What good is a half read book?  One that when you get to a part you don't like, you toss aside and never finish!  You never discover the richness of that book, story, challenge because instead you stopped, dogeared the page and have remained in your misery, your need ending struggle, your downcast negative uselessness.

That's not for me….Neither do i believe it to be a Biblical or Godly response.  We are to be Page Turners!  There is no pause for a dogeared spot in our stories….In faith keep turning the pages!

Yesterday was a 'speed read' kind of day filled with my recovery, issues with our home in another state (=retirement), and our grandson, Jack's seizure activity….the pages were turned speedily!  Last night Doug and I talked in hushed tones reflected over the 38 years we have known one another, 37 since our engagement and soon to be 36 years of marriage.  Those are many years….often having--no countless times--of giving opportunity to place a dogeared mark and toss life aside, sit in a pity party, struggle and bemoan the hand we were dealt.  Yet as we talked and reflected last night the realization that by continuing to 'turn pages' we have both grown stronger, our vision clearer and most importantly that when the storms rage we have a peace that only comes from the true author of our lives!!

Keep turning pages in faith my friend!  Don't allow a bookcase filled with dogeared books, full of unrevealed peace in your life!

TURN THE PAGE!

And It's Still Rain'n

       It has been three months since I have posted....not that I haven't written and journaled.  Since arriving back on the field here in Wrangell on May 1st we have been so very busy and attempting to adjust back into the flow of life.  Yet, there is the ever looming flood of thoughts that hover just beyond where we allow our minds to reach.  This past Sunday was a beautiful evening and just the two of us slipped away for some much needed quiet time out on the boat and just quietly consider ALL God has blessed us with over this unexpected journey this year and to be transparent; to hesitantly consider the future and the reality of what it may hold for our family.  We are not, nor have ever been, in control and have relentlessly followed Christ.....yet the humanness of us has a tendency to question.  Truthfully, after looking at some recent photos of ourselves we see the visible effect of our heartache showing on us.  However, we are both so thankful to have one another to walk along this difficult journey.

      Truly we are out of the valley, off of the branch and well onto the road of recovery for Nathan.  Recently as I was organizing some documents, photos, video, etc of December and early this year it was such a reminder of just how gracious God is and how amazing it is that Nathan has come so far.  I suppose for us as his parents the most difficult thing is knowing our son for who he was:  the tremendous abilities God blessed him with in music, a communicator, leadership, superior intelligence, and that ability to seemingly have the King Midas touch of turning things into gold, suddenly put on pause.  Living life on pause has not been easy for any of us!  Truth is, Nathan still has all of those unique qualities God blessed him with, we anticipate how they will be manifested or restored in the future.  So much for all of us to learn about one another, God, and simply being grateful and living a life of faith.  As we stand at a distance and watch his dear wife, Beth, our hearts are filled with love, compassion, praise and thankfulness.  We do not take lightly her role in Nathan's recover and nurturing the family always pointing them to Christ.  

      While looking through the lens of the microscope of the children's lives, Gavin (6) shown brightly during his kindergarten graduation back in June.  When asked what he had learned this year in school, he had a profound answer.  "That God loves us and takes care of my family, I still have my Dad."  Wow!  As proud as I am of my oldest grandchild, it is his mother who has nurtured that attitude toward their drastically changed family life.  Simple truth, no bitterness, no whining, rather gratefulness to GOD!  

       So these days that I begin to waffle, wonder, question...I am a bit shamed that my six year old grandson 'gets it' so I just need to put chin in the air, square the shoulders and carry on----God is in charge of EVERYTHING!!!!

       Today, I was encouraged by the words to this song:

                           Praise You In This Storm  

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again I'll say Amen
And it's still rainin'

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
Through the rain
I'm with You
And as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands
And praise the God who gives
And takes away


And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And ev'ry tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
And raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth
                                                                         Casting Crowns
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Snapshot! Or not?

    As I have worked this past week to try to pick up our life where we suddenly left it in December, my mind has been filled with many pondering moments.  The unusual sunshine prompted me to take a drive 'out the road'.  Doing so, I reached over to turn on some music.  The first few moments of the sound of the music produced a flood of emotions.  You see the CD player was still loaded with Christmas CD's.  The particular one playing was of Nathan playing piano.  Though it is now May I was rushed back to the day I had last listened to this in the van.  Shock, grief, gratefulness, relief, anticipation are only a few of the immediate emotions that coursed through me as I drove along.  A sudden realization and reminder that in a matter of moments our lives had changed.  Yet, as the tears streamed I was reminded that God knew all along.  In fact He knew the day Nathan had made the CD some years ago that he would suffer a severe stroke and aneurysm, that He Himself would spare Nathan's life, that a He would carry us along a road we would not have chosen.  It is with this confidence I can leave Nathan in His hands and attempt to pick up life where we suddenly left off in December.
     The past five and half months we have seen birthdays, holidays, Nathan and Beth's ninth anniversary, Gavin's soon graduation from kindergarten come and go. As tomorrow approaches we will celebrate our 34th anniversary.  Through a fog, life has gone on.  Truly not a snapshot but rather like a real to real film.  So this morning my mind began to rewind the past 34 years......................
      In reality they have all been good times.  A personal pet peeve I have with Christians is when they describe days as being a bad day!  REALLY????  If you are alive and breathing and claim to be a Christ follower how can you possibly be so bold as to tell God He has given you a 'bad' day.  Are we not told, "This is the DAY the Lord hath made--REJOICE and be glad in it"????  Okay, granted there have been countless days I would have preferred to have not experienced....however, the same God I love and choose to serve, the same God who made the day-----is He not the same God to provide me with strength to 'carry on'???  Absolutely!
      Allow me to reflect on just a few of those days over the past 34 years of marriage that the choice was to choose to grumble at a 'bad day' or choose to 'rejoice and be glad in it'.  The first day we moved into our apartment on BBC campus in June of 1978, I walked over to turn not the faucet at the sink.  A rather simple somewhat meaningless task...or so I thought.  However, I was immediately greeted with a blast of water smack in the middle of the face!!  Happy I was NOT!  A bride of less than a week and suddenly discovered my castle well....not so much a castle!  But I was determined to make the best of an otherwise uncomfortable situation.  A leaky faucet, no air conditioning, a murphy bed, a tiled floor and the sudden reality that though we had been engaged for over a year we were truly yet strangers and only beginning to discover the true identity of one another-----"We've Only Just Begun".  There are countless 'cooking capers' my husband could tell you.  Though it might now seem hard to imagine, you see until the week before our wedding I was seldom if ever to be found in the kitchen.  Until then I much preferred to be outside with tractor or lawn mower, fishing and the like.  Shoot even changing my own oil in my car or what not.  But, for 'just in case' I sat down with my Mom's recipe file that week before our wedding and copied down a few.  Let me just make a long story short and say my attempt at Mom's recipes weren't even a close resemblance.  Fortunately my husband had been a bachelor and college student----a great guinea pig!!!  He survived and today I have an addiction to playing with food and make edible 'kitchen caper' :)
      It is with fond memories that I reflect on the early years of our marriage, my husband being a church planter and all the struggles that entails.  Yes even far too often wondering where our next meal would come from.  LOOK AT US!  Obviously we have not famished!!  Our children have grown into respectable adults each in ministry themselves and collectively blessed us with six precious grandchildren.  Though the memories are fond---I don't desire to return there.  Truly I'm not stupid and am eager to learn things the FIRST time around!
    There were good times, lean times, difficult times and oh my need I say crying times!  Yet every last second of it was good.  I truly believe the cliche, 'it's all good'.  Thirty-seven years ago I chose to serve God no matter what, I'm not likely to change now.  This has been one of those 'difficult' years but in the midst of the storm I have never felt more loved, more peace, more assurance.  Because I know the outcome, NO, but because I know the One who hold tomorrow.  So I challenge you to not consider moments in life to be a snapshot, rather a legacy.  What legacy are you leaving.  My prayer is that I can leave a legacy for my children and grand-children to never retreat but serve God with passion, to love their spouse unconditionally and remain faithful.
       A song that says so much:

Lyrics By Josh Wilson

Life Is Not A Snapshot
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
'Cuz the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Who Am I?

   As today approached, Mother's Day, my mind flooded as though a tsunami had surged, leaving piles and memories tangled about.  It has always been a special day; as a child I would anxiously look forward to doing something for or with my mother.  Through the years there were countless church Mother/Daughter banquets.  As the years have tumbled along and I myself became a mother it brought a new sense of special feelings and responsibility.  Yet for the past 31 years my focus was still on my own dear mother, she is truly priceless.  She sat before me the example of servitude and hospitality.  Most importantly though, to faithfully follow Christ, in good times and in difficult ones, regardless to stand strong, stand firm, stay faithful to the Cross.  Through the years she faithfully has prayed for me everyday of my life and for my children as well.
   Today was different, yes I still treasure my Momma and spoke with her several times this week, but different in that it was broadened.  Today could have been so different had God taken Nathan  home back in December.  Though I feel completely unworthy I am grateful beyond expression that He chose to allow me the most blessed meaningful Mother's Day I have ever experienced.  He chose that I could have
all three of my children and my mother, though not all physically together the strong bonds of child mother were throughly enjoyed.
   While considering the graciousness of God and all He has given me this Mother's Day a song come to mind that i'd like to share.

WHO AM I?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

i am Yours

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

Casting Crowns      

The Road

The past two days have been full of reflection, comparison, and looking to future accomplishments. Thursday marked four months since Nathan's stroke, yesterday four months post craniotomy and today four months since I arrived here, unsure if he would survive. Yesterday I took him to therapy to give Beth a break and some quality time at home with the kids and some needed paperwork accomplished. As I sat in speech with him and listened as he worked hard to now begin to put some words together to form a sentence it was an inner battle to hold back the flood of tears that welded behind my eyes. Tears of extreme gratefulness for all that God has blessed us with and the way He has restored Nathan continually through this process. The video posted is of his other therapy session yesterday. The last time I was with him a couple of weeks ago and the therapist tried to get his right fingers to hold onto the rod so he could lift his arm with his left.....he was not able to keep his fingers around the rod. Take a close look at the video you can see this is now being well accomplished and just a couple of weeks later. Huge progress for us to witness.

I find myself ever thankful that God has placed just the right physicians, nurses, therapist to care for Nathan. Again a reminder that nothing comes to us that is a surprise to God, he already had all of these details in place, so reassuring to see and feel His care for every tiny detail of our lives! Another blessing is that Nathan has a willing attitude to work and learn and interact with those working with him. His ever present smile.....thrills my heart and motivates me.

Much of what has consumed my thoughts and I suppose caused me to perhaps be a bit more quiet and subdued are thoughts and feelings of our soon departure. In just a couple of weeks we plan to return to Alaska for awhile. Earlier this morning I was remembering the heartache I would feel when leaving Nathan and our other children when they were mere children and Doug and I would need to be away. Knowing that we needed to go and that actually it would be good for all of us, yet so torn about being out of reach of my child/children. Necessary but unnerving. I realized this morning I am experiencing those same feelings though my son is now 32. However added to that is my precious daughter-in-law, Beth and four small grandchildren. Words cannot explain the love and admiration I have for Beth. She is truly a Godly woman whose price is FAR ABOVE rubies!! It will not be easy to leave them but I do have the confidence of a loving Heavenly Father that will watch over and care for them-----well much better than I anyway :)

I have spent many hours over the past four months considering those quaint sayings that often typify Christians. When you truly look at the message of many through a brighter lens the realization that often it is simply flowery words with little depth. There is a misconception that with Christ we will be security against the storms in life. The truth is with Christ we have security during the storms. From the darkest to the brightest hours of this journey (and yes I know it isn't over yet) I can truly say I have never been afraid. Heartbroken, yes! But a calming sense of security in knowing that regardless of what was coming Christ and Christ alone would sustain me. Recently, while reading I came across the following by Annie Johnson Flint. Reminding me that:

He never promised me an easy passage, only a safe landing.

set your sail to the heavenly gale,

And then, no matter what winds prevail,

No reef can wreck you, no calm delay;

No mist will hinder, no storm will stay;

Though far you wander and long you roam

Through salt sea sprays and o’er white sea foam,

No wind can blow but that will speed you Home.

We are now two weeks past Nathan's final surgery, which was to replace the bone plate in his skull. I cannot begin to explain how thankful I am to look at my son and now see a round head instead of the huge concave area that was previously there.

Thank you friends for following me along this valley to the branches and now onto the road. It has been a journey. Your prayers, emails, notes, comments, Facebook messages, personal visits and phone calls have helped bridge the abyss from the valley to the road!

Reimann, Jim; Cowman, Mrs. Charles E. (2008-09-02). Streams in the Desert: 366 Daily Devotional Readings (p. 136). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Keeping Christmas

Christmas has brought times I was ill, my children were ill, my husband was ill. One I remember so clearly when it was bitterly cold, the old wood stove in the ancient airy farm house had only green wood. Consequently we nearly froze! That year I was so thankful to go to church and get warm physically as well as spiritually! Looking back many have been laden with difficulty.

None compare to 2011! I can never recall a time in my life that I have felt so unable to literally breathe at times! A tidal wave of unknown answers to questions I was unwilling to let be verbalized. A deep sadness hard to reconcile. Total and complete dependance on the Lord. Yet a deep desire to normalize the holiday for the grandchildren.

Keeping Christmas became the operational mode of those now past days. We arrived at Nathan and Beth's house in the evening on Christmas Eve with Beth and baby in tow. All of us feeling weary from the stress of leaving Nathan in the hospital at his favorite time of the year! Comforted though that his brother was at his side.

Just last night as I was riding in the van seated behind Nathan, I was reflecting on the difficulty it was to eat on Christmas day. As we sat around his table visually things as classically normal minus his presence. The children were happy and enjoying every minute of Christmas. At the same time I recalled choking back a flood of tears and fighting to swallow each bite of food. Desperately fighting against the direction my mind fought to go---wondering if my son would survive to ever sit at his table again.

Today is that date on the calendar that regardless of where I was I would always remind him (and my other children) of just how many more months til Christmas. It is just NINE months from today, in case you were wondering :) 2011 we were keeping Christmas for the children. 2012 I am already anticipating Christmas to celebrate not only Christmas but the wonderful gift God gave us....Nathan's life!!

I began this post 3 months ago tomorrow--I simply could not finish it---too overwhelmed!!! Today I looked back at it and though the ill feelings lept back into my stomach it was such a moment of rejoicing to see where God has brought all of us and the healing He has caused in Nathan's body. We are truly blessed!!

I want to share some things I have come across in recent reading that have comforted and motivated me:

It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight, we will say, “All things [have] work[ed] together for good” (Rom. 8:28 KJV). Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late—learn to wait. selected He never shows up late; He knows just what is best; Fret not yourself in vain; until He comes just REST. Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord. Learn to await His timing—the second, minute, and hour hand must all point to the precise moment for action.

Reimann, Jim; Cowman, Mrs. Charles E. (2008-09-02). Streams in the Desert: 366 Daily Devotional Readings (p. 125). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.